YER NOT MY MOM!!!!!

My literal Hororscope (get in there Gems) in the Village Voice / Free Will Astrology, for this week:

"A lot of antifreeze tastes sweet even though it's toxic. That's a big problem for dogs and children, who sometimes come upon spilled or open containers of antifreeze and drink it. New Mexico is one of the first places in the world to pass a law making it mandatory for antifreeze to be bitter-tasting, thus discouraging innocents from imbibing it. This should serve as a metaphor for you in the coming week, Gemini. Your inner child or inner pet may be drawn to ingesting experiences that are delectable but noxious. Have your inner adult take steps to ensure this won't happen."



I don't know what you're talking about.

Windows Snapshot

THe following are currently open on my Desktop:

1. Cheese Recommendations (Word Document-- pasted cheeses recommended by a fromagier found online)
2. Google image search result: "bibbity bobbity cinderella disney"
3. Blogger: the Wiener Philharmonic
4. Google search: "revolutionary war" entertainer
5. Google image search: "caveman bone"
7. Dork Choir (Word document-- scene about polyphonic choir)

"Julia why does it always take you 6 hours to fill out a timesheet?"

You My Boo

These are the lyrics to the Fairy Godmother's magical song in Cinderella. They make me laugh like a toddler all day. You know when toddlers laugh but they're intermittently skrieking like falcons with joy? That kind of laugh.

Fairy Godmother:

Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
It'll do magic believe it or not
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo


Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo
But the thingmabob that does the job is
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo


Salagadoola menchicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi-boo



AND POOF! I've turned into a giggling baby, pee pee down my Oshkoshes like so many zebra stripes.

NOT EVEN CLOSE. But totally perfect.

No elvin t-bowls???

I can't BELIEVE a google image search for Toilet Elf yielded nothing!!


But Confused Simba? Clearly.

I'm going to neeeeeed: nail clippers, flannel shirt, stuffed animatronic goat, quiver, awkwardness, own thoughts, mess kit

Gabe! I'm so glad someone finally joined me!

DADDDY I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DADDY YOU SMELL LIKE COCONUT OIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find this image really relaxing

Then again, I don't ever move from this chair. If I relax any more, I may disintegrate.

jules works hard on the blog

and i have proof.

best,
gabe liedman

DID SOMEONE SAY.....

L I M O ? !

Keep Guarding Your Weird False Cognates

From The Guardian UK today:

"Young and Old Make History at the Proms!"
Arts: This year will see the Proms debuts of Ravi Shankar, Placido Domingo and some 11-year-old children.


Literally. Were they all in one limo?


should I pin the corsage to your chinmuff?

My Last Appointment with Dayo

And the transformation will be complete

Great quotes, and stupid images

I realize that today has been very text-heavy, and that's just tiresome.

And yet, I've been cruising the internet picking up random quotes, and I want to post them. So I will mitigate the textiness with images. OK ready?

"I'll moider da bum."
- Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare



"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."
- Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)



"Facts are the enemy of truth."
- Don Quixote - "Man of La Mancha"



"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."
- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)



"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)



"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."
- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

You've GOT to be kidding me

Also this, salvaged from the sunken treasure boat S.S.Re-Re

This is going on in my office fridge right now, only I cant hear it because of the proximity of my office to the men's room, whose every flush sounds like an F-15 tearing through my cochlea.

Bon Apetit.

salmon: oh, hi pork chop.

Pork Chop: hey salmon. how are you?

Salmon: pretty good. I'm just getting over some midatlantic mercury
poisoning, but I feel great.

Pork Chop: Oh really? yeah, you are so pink. Now I know where the expression "salmon shaft" comes from.

Salmon: hahahahaha.

Pork Chop: HA! hoooooooo thats funny.

Salmon: hahaha.

Pork Chop: great stuff. great. stuff.

Salmon: So you got plans later?

Pork Chop: yeah I'm getting devoured in Fort Greene tonight.

Salmon: that's funny, so am I.

Pork Chop: really? thats insane.

Salmon: Julia Langbein's house?

Pork Chop: yeah. thats crazy. She said she was going to coat me in pecans and fry me in butter.

Salmon: no way! she said the same thing to me!

Pork Chop: that fucking bitch.

Salmon: she cant be doing BOTH of us, can she?

Pork Chops: Come on now. she's a crazy pig. but I don think she's that crazy. Plus she's very poor, like a Chinaman. why such a feast of kings? two entrees?

Salmon: dammit. get me out of this fridge. I feel very uncomfortable the way people in the office keep opening the fridge and staring at me questioningly as I sit here in my stanky rawness next to a tin of Tasters Choice.

Pork Chop: hey-- and a pork chop.

Salmon: awkward all around. I hope julia doesn't follow through on her weird fantasy of covering her face in a huge raw salmon filet as she types meaninglessly at her desk, or of wearing me as a brooch on her periwinkle Anne Taylor twinset.

Pork Chop: I don't think you have to worry, Salmon. Like I said, she's very poor, like a Croate. Listen, if I know Langbein, and I only met her about 30 minutes ago when she lifted me from a leatherfaced old woman's shopping cart, I know she's probably going to cure you and eat you later, and I'm getting the pecan roasted treatment.

Pecan: hey guys!

Salmon and Pork Chop: Hi Pecan! What's up?

Pecan: nothin. I'm on my way out.

Salmon: word? why? is it cause of my stink? I am sorry.

Pecan: No, I think Julia decided not to use me. I think she's going to do a mustard-rosemary rub instead.

Pork Chop: God, that old fallback?

Tasters Choice: will you guys shut up?

Pork Chop: Why dont you Tasters Choose to Fuck yourself.

Tasters Choice: fatty assholes.

Salmon: rim job.

Pecan: hey hey! stop it, guys.

Salmon: whatever. I'm just in a bad mood. it's the heat. and the being dead. Listen, Pork Chop, you go, and you do it, and you give it your all. You're obviously the man for the job. I wish it could be me, but it's you.

Pork Chop: I appreciate that Salmon. I'm gonna do this dinner and I'm gonna think of you as I do.

Tasters Choice: you guys are gay.

Pork Chop: there is a picture of a woman sniffing a volcano of diarrhea your label. why dont you shut it.

Taster's Choice: Gaybov.

Salmon: Whatever, Turd Magma, no one's ever even tasted you and youve been here since 1998. You're just bitter, like always.

Pork Chop: nice, salmon.

Pecan: hey! can we all just do a group hug?

All: OK, alright (groaning agreement, apologies)

[no one moves]

A Trip Down Bloggery Lane

Over a year ago, I had this blog where I intended on posting Microsoft Paint pictures that I drew. They looked like "outsider" ("mental inpatient") art and so I named this blog "Scrawl of a Re-Re." However I never figured out how to post these aforementioned scrawls, so I just posted weird writings and, needless to say, the project deflated with the unheeded whistle of a midnight fart.


I was moved to check the Scrawl today (aka I was bored to tears and had bruised every online media source with my impossibly frequent hits) and salvaged some little things, including this poem:

I don't know what I'm doing
and I dont know what it means.
Am I doing it all solo
Or doing it in teams?

Am I reading all the letters
am I seeing all the signs?
am I thinking with my feet?
am I walking with my mind?

It makes no sense at all
not a little or a lot
It hasnt in the grownup world
it didnt as a tot.

The only thing I know about
this big civil safari
is I love to drink and sleep and
eat fresh broiled calamari.

"Jules," you ask, "what's up?
What's this?" Its not even that funny!
Well fuck you Curly, you try it
when theres bourbon in your tummy

And its noon, you're starved, you're
reeling, you're on PCP and meth
you've got bruises, scars, you're cross-eyed,
you've got crazy penis breath,

you're dressed like such a floozy that
the blind cant help but stare.
your tits are out so far, a
pigeon's started nesting there.

You don't have all the answers
and you dont have even one.
You're not a dead babboon
but you're also not that fun

when you're trashed at nearing noon
and you're shameful and ill-suited
to this lifestyle which can't handle that you
just passed out and booted

on your office fan which sent it flying
like a chowder pot exploded.
Forget it, guys, I'm tired.
So whats up guys? lets get loaded.

MSN: So Fucking Idiotic I Finally Had to Say Something

Every day, when I check my Hotmail account, I have to go through this page that's like, "TODAY ON MSN: CAN CATS FEEL PAIN?" OR ": BEST SOLUTIONS FOR BRITTLE HAIR" or like, whatever some random algorythmic program puts together from words within a Nexis search parameter of Redbook Magazine, American Dolls, Trivial Pursuit: Bodily Functions Edition, and Science News for Kids. I always sort of shake my head and go, "That's the opposite of important every day. Every day you hit the hammer on the head of total shutup."

BUT TODAY, I finally had to say something.

TODAY ON MSN: WHAT ARE CELEBRITIES' FAVORITE THINGS?

I don't know. what AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE celebrities favorite things? Did they tell you? Did ALL of them tell you? Do celebrities HAVE favorite things? Does Steven Tyler have a Sno-globe that is his favorite thing? When you asked, did Susan Sarandon nod and hold up a tiny iron horse? You know? or is it more like, "equality," or "waking up next to Catherine Zeta-Jones every day."

So what I mean is, I am finally going to click on TODAY ON MSN, because, you know what? You win.

Sean Penn's favorite thing? I don't know. But damned if I'm not finding out.

[Insert South Beach/Atkins/Carb Joke Here]

But also, insert your penis, it'll be SOOOO funny. C'mon I dare you.

Bake Me Up, Before You Go Go

PLLLLEAAAASE GOD, may this weekend be sunny.

I know you think I'm LESBIAN

OK? I know you think that. Especially when you went to highschool with me when I looked like Jack Black and was a lacrosse goalie. Well, confirm your inaccurate suspicions with THIS:

I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE ABOUT WILD HORSES I SAW ON PBS.


Honestly? It is SO touching. I told Lang and Emily Anderson about it for about 12 consecutive hours at a bar the other day, where I mimicked Cloud, the white wild stallion, taking his first wobbly steps as a foal, and I accidentally reverse-humped an old pervert man's face. Not a big deal. But seriously, ORDER THIS from PBS or try and find when it's airing next. It is amazing. OR track me down and have me narrate the whole thing.

This is Cloud fighting with a stallion named Raven. He wants one of Raven's mares. It's a long story.

This movie's content is like, half baby animals and half horse penis. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.

A Very Tough Cake to Take

And yet, this takes it.

My favorite Overheard In New York post:

A hobo is sitting on a bench next to a woman.

Hobo: Don't touch my butt, lady. I'm a virgin.
Woman: Oh, please.
Hobo: Get over it.

dawson's creek was somehow written by uneducated--yet pretentious--robots

quoth joey, re: her college roommate saying that boys suck:

"since i'm your roommate, i'm legally required to be here for you. so, pray tell, in what way does this male suckage occur?"

thanks jon friedman

for giving me so many dreams about mirror hats

now that im on the south beach diet

i don't have to kick anymore!

mmmmmphphmmmmmphmmiloveyou

i love you so so much

the internet exists?

last night i attended a hilarious show at PS122 with several of my wiener/non-wiener friends, and it reminded me: the internet exists. amazing! it's hard to remember that, now that i'm no longer tethered to a desk chair all day with 0% stimulation from work and 100% fury from life.

the show was a reading by several terrif bloggers--most notably jon friedman and michelle collins, who wowed their audience with tales of terrible work situations. i couldn't relate at all, but it was nice to see that there are still people out there who work. for money. almost everyday.

so now, in front of the entire world, i'd like to make a solemn promise to the internet to give it more attention--because i love it, and it loves me.

love,
the ugly new pope

JFTBWSEFTBTT

aka, Jules Finds the Best Website Ever, For the Butt-teenth Time.

acronymfinder.com

I found it cause MC Hairy Barrel aka Mike Barry called because at the DZ Discovery Zone/ Ice Cream Cake Toy Factory / Rockettes rehearsal where Mike works they were doing some fun pranks involving acronyms, like they have to write them down on a post it and then someone else tickles you until you poop and then everybody laughs and kisses or something, and in short, I was all "PAP SMEAR" and he was all, "no I don't want to get fired" and I was all "Tic Tac" and he was all "that's not an acronym" and I'm all "POOP" and he's all "no, not a made-up acronym." So paint me confused, and paint it in ephedra, cause at this point I'm totally exhausted.

This Itsy-bitsy Candy Totally Accentuates Cunnilingus!!!

jk.

But back to acronyms. I plugged "PAP SMEAR" into acronym finder and it turns out that aside from the 35 preposterous groups/places/things whose acronym is "PAP", PAP is not one of them. "PAP" is short for George Papanicolaou, the guy who invented it.

GEORGE PAPANICOLAOU. Next time I go to the gyno I'm going to be proper and say "I'm here for my Papanicolaou Smear." And I hope you can fathom how intensely I am pronouncing the final AOUUU syllable.

No seriously guys

Usually I click on google image photos because they are funny or weird. This one? Just looked pret-ty fucking awesome.

Congrats, you're brill.

Dachs Dream Dashed!

I was walking up 9th ave as I do every weekday afternoon, when I passed a woman walking a dachshund.

Well I think we all know how much I have been fantasizing about getting a liddow dachs of my own, naming him Wedgie, Wiener, Toots, Peanut, Tum Tum, or Shaft, and making my life thereby complete.

HOWEVER. This woman was holding TWO leashes: one around his neck, and the other attached to a sort of BRACE, which wrapped around his stomach and, when she lifted it, kept his long, gloriously wiener-like belly from dragging the ground.

I just don't want to do that. Ideally, I'd like my dog's spine to suffice as torso support. OH REGAL DACHSHUND!!!! If only your body were gravitationally viable!!!!
I would make you mine.

Tom & Jerry

Further proof that Jerry is SUCH A PRICK. Tom: put some poison behind the fridge, crack a Corona and call it a night, you know?

Fatty Times at Midnight High

Last night, pretty late, and pretty retarded, Mike Barry noticed a pot of Nutella on the spice rack.

"Can we make something with this?" he asked innocently.

Keep in mind that this is AFTER I ripped his taste buds apart with my delicious aged goat gouda dipped in crazy gourmet herby mustard.

"Sure," I said, toasted some white bread, spread Nutella on it, and poured heavy cream into a bowl for us to dip the sammy in.

We basically couldn't believe how fucking amazing it was. Every bite was like a new reason to be alive. So creamy, and crunchy, just the right amount of saltiness to the bread...goddddam

THEN, Matty Delicious gets a bite of the tail end of our sammy, and decides he wants in. But obvies, he DELICIFIES it times ten: melts about a POUND of butter in the pan, and pan fries the hot white bread, slathers it in the remaining BASICALLY ENTIRE bottle of Nutella, and soaks it in cream.

Needless to say, I woke up with an army boot in my lower intestines this morning. But I am a changed man. You heard me: man. I woke up this morning with a tiny hazelnut dick and I'm ready to take over the world.

Camel girl

continuing on my subliminal theme of camels today, I'd like to add how much, despite having not smoked a cigarette now for 3 months, I still LOVE love love the women in the Camel ads.

Those cartoony, 50's style ones in different exotic outfits that connote the flavor of the cigarette.


Genitalface Joe I could clearly take or leave.

Convo

(both in REALLY throaty, slow voices:)
"Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing. What's up with you?"
"Nothing. [pause] Cool."

Vans

Julia: How am I going to get from the airport in Syracuse to your school in Hamilton for graduation?
Anne: They have vans.
Julia: Oh, like the school has vans, for people coming in for graduation?
Anne: No, they just, like, have vans.
Julia: You mean like an airport shuttle? Like I can call a shuttle?
Anne: No, no, I mean like vans that go all over.
Julia: ... A city bus? THE BUS?
Anne: Yeah, vans.

You know? Like a van?

86-millionth most important philanthropic institution in the COUNTRY threatened!

That's right, fraternities and sororities, renowned pillars of charity and selflessness, are being threatened at Colgate!

http://www.cnn.com/2005/EDUCATION/04/12/colgate.greeks.ap/index.html

But HOW WILL THE STUDENTS DRINK WITHOUT BEING DIVIDED INTO TEAMS AND THEN GIVEN INITIALS IN AN ANCIENT LANGUAGE??? NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I'll jump into your gin and tonic. C'mon, you know you need me. I'll make that shit so tart.

A day to celebrate (me)

Hello, friends.

I just wanted to alert you that today is my "nimipaiva" as we say in Finland, a.k.a. my name day. So if you know any Julias, or any names similarly derived (Jules, Julita, Julie), give them a cupcake, chaps, whiskey, or just a big ol' kiss. Go drive down to the mall, stop in at Orange Julius, and buy yourself a super size acid diahrrea bomb. Listen to Julio Iglesias, and then cook a classic J. Childs pot roast. Giggle affectionately as you watch Juliette Lewis ply her trade in "Natural Born Killers," and pull your tattered copy of "Mary Reilly" out of the bin marked "J" for "Jesus, those Juleses are so capable, I wish they had a day just for them."

People for whom there is no day include Djaimon Hounsou

Buffy Thevampireslayer

Apple Martin

Audio Science Sossamon (yes, Shannon Sossamon literally named her baby that, look it up)

and Loulie Fisher


to find your name day, go to
http://www.behindthename.com/namedays/

and don't forget to messenger me tacos and stuff. love you guys.
JULIA

Oh no no no no no no no no nooooooooooooo

gabe liedman newsletter

bugles and coronets blaring "groove is in the heart" announce:

GABE LIEDMAN IS BACK.

"from where? where has he been since March 25th, 2005?"--team of scientists.

"do the math. 3-25-2005= -2027"--straightforward mathematicians

let's just say that gabe's been somewhere that no one--NAY--nothing has ever been before: the year -2027. and apparently, it. was. weird.

"weirder than space, even weirder than submarines."--Gabe L.

"it didn't take long to get there, it's sunny, new memories don't get made, and you come back totally debt free, in the best shape of your life."--G. E. Liedman

"it's good to be back, though. that much is the truth. so is everything else i've said."--Gabe Liedman

best,
Third Party

The Proof is in the Peeling

There is no more Ozone layer. I remember when people were using a lot of hairspray in the 80's and the Ozone started to wear away. And then we all started putting on the breaks and things slowed down. I stopped eating Freon for lunch and my family's annual broken-refridgerator-lighting festival had to be curtailed.

But unfortunately those efforts were fruitless. From about an hour and a half in EARLY APRIL sunshine yesterday, my face looks like that of a drunken medieval peasant, taut, bright red and swollen, and I have a photographic negative of a sportsbra imprinted on my red torso. fine. but IN APRIL?????

WATCH OUT EASTER BUNNY. TEN SECONDS WITHOUT YOUR PARASOL AND YOU'RE FUCKED! HEY GROUNDHOG! GET BACK UNDERGROUND! GROUNDHOG NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Golden Doodie

The dinner I ate last night was so luxe and costly that even with SEVERE depreciation factored in, I am sure that my doodienibs are worth at least a 'Zander Hammy if not a Jackson.

TOOT!

That's right, Jules had a 4-1/2 hour, 11-course tasting menu at Cafe Boulud that made me think, "Hershey's TasteTations are a vulgar exaggeration! This is a true TasteTation!"

and THIS is a crustacean.


I'm just trying to dot my pees and cross my cues, OK?

Diary entry # 307

Recipe For Love


1 young lass
1 lb spagetti

1 hankercheif
2 oz of chloride

apply, wait 10 minutes, drive home, prepare meal, re-enact scenes from "disney movieshttp://www.cyberelk.net/sue/gallery/albums/bank/aau.jpg".

Fair Morn, Goodie Langbein!

My brother, Chris, will enroll at UVA next fall for a joint MBA/JD thingy. Too many acronyms flying around for me to even piece together what that means; except one thing is VERY clear to me.



See you in 5, Colonial Williamsburg.

Lang Fisher, you are a GODDESS

My morning has been ROCKED, rolled, cuddled, spanked, made to weep, feel naughty, and kick so much ass due to one Lang Fisher's ridiculously awesome "Jules and Chloe Mix Volume 3."


Lang Fisher, you are magical.


Walking out the door to the Bangles "Hazy Shade of Winter" was one thing. Air drumming to Franz Ferdinand on the subway was liberating. Air-grinding to the RANDY "dontcha" song down 42nd Street was so fun, punching the air AT my desk to HEART was absurd, and now weeping as I type, WEEPING to the love song from "From Justin to Kelly," well, that's actually pretty normal for me. BEST. MORNING. EVER, FISHER!

P.S.Still my favorite album ever.