If You're Looking for Jenny Slate You'll Find Her in Her Own Personal Hell

"Wow! Yeah! Key West! Lucky you!" cheered all of my friends. "You're sure to come back with a bangin' tan! You always do! Wow! Lucky lcuky jen jen jenny jen! KEY WEST IS BETTER THAN NEW YORK."

NO. IT ISN'T. IT IS,I THINK, THE WORST PLACE IN THE WORLD. IT'S NOT BETTER THAN ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR JAIL.

My vacation with my younger sister and parents is proof that some mean scientist is tapping into my nightmares, taking them to a lab where they do science, and then letting them leak into reality. Not to be a brat, but this place is terrible. Here's why.
1) It's freezing and the only thing to do here is walk on Duval Street, which is only occupied by cheesy t-shirt stores. The people here get drunk and stand in groups of four or more, blocking the sidewalk while they read aloud from the T-shirts that slut up the windows,i.e.,"I (heart) to fart" "Please tell your eyes to stop staring at my boobs, thank you." "I'd rather be hangin' with my aunt, " and the best "FBI: female body inspector". I've compiled a list of T-shirt announcements that will follow this post, (what the fuck else was I supposed to do).
2) I stepped on a dead rat.
3)Some chick on a bike ran right into my dad. Here's the conversation that followed:
girl: watch outttttt!!!
dad:(silence)
me: yo!
mom: RON!!!!!RON ARE YOU ALLRIGHT!!!RON TALK TO ME! GIRLS! RON! RON! RON!
gu behind girl on bike: sir, the bikes here work just like cars!
me: pedestrians have the right of way. always.
boy: no they don't.
me: yes. yes they DO.
dad: look, just watch out for other people ok?
guy: sir, you're a tourist. take your head out of your ass.

we cross the street...
me: pedestrians have the right of way DICK!!!!
mom: RON! RON! RON!JENNY NO! RON ARE YOU ALRIGHT! RON RON RON RONNNNNNNN!!!!

20 seconds pass and the guy turns his bike around. here's the kicker:
guy: pedestrians don't have the right of way you LITTLE BITCH. YOU LITTLE CUNT! YOU THINK PEDESTRIANS HAVE TEH RIGHT OF WAY YOU FUCKING CUNT?!

ok, i should be getting onto the fourth reason for why this place is the rimjob center of the world, but i just want to tell the guy on the bike one thing: yeah, we are tourists, and thank god. thank god i don't live in the shit hole that you live in. also, if the bikes work just like cars then pedestrians have the right of way. also, watch the fuck out because i'm literally going to rob your house tonight and draw a cock on your face with a sharpie marker.

anyway, hours pass, we go to the movies, come back to the hotel and my mom thinks that it would be a funny joke to say in a "stage whisper", which, as most of us know, is louder than regular conversation speak, "good night...YOU LITTLE CUNT."

CUT TO THE INNKEEPER CLEANING THE POOP OUT OF HIS PANTS AFTER HEARING NANCY SLATE CALL JENNY SLATE A "LITTLE CUNT".

4)the only thing i was excited about was the "Ernest Hemmingway Home", which was boring and is now the home of 61 stray cats, all named by the caretaker, and all named after famous celebs.I WATCHED AS JIMMY STUART TOOK A SHIT NEXT TO A ROCK.
5) guess what? diarreah attack! haha! hilllllarious. not.
6) i'm still here.

Good things about this trip:
1) my dad farted so LOUD in a cemetery.
2) on of the gravestones said "i told you i was sick."
3)computer room at the inn.
4)my mom called me a "little cunt".

love
jenny