Jenny's Back from Fartland, Mass

In case you've been wondering why the cast of "The View" has been smaller for the last couple of days, it's because i've been at a health and fitness spa in the berkshires, where i farted away 3-4 pounds a day. My butt is made of fire, looks like two golf balls.

I'm a liar. My butt looks the same, but it hurts more than it usually does. Now that I'm back in brooklyn, seated once again, in my underwear in front of my dusty computer, I wonder about two things: when did i get an "adult metabolism", and when did i get "B.O."? I seem to have both, which is weird because i'm pretty sure that nine months ago my sweat tasted like ambrosia and i ate 7 meals of cheesesteaks a day, plus, no joke, my favorite "after school" snakck was a can of cherry pie filling. Now I smell like hummus and eat only cans (empty ones), to stay slim. Something seems to have changed in the past nine months or so.

And what's with that baby that fell out of my vagina a week ago? I was like, "oh man. i better not fart in this yoga class," but then there was this baby in my stretch pants and i had to go outside and shake it out, and roll it in an extra yoga matt, and by the time i got back in I had missed my favorite posses and I just felt really annoyed. Plus, stretch pants are stretchy, but not that stretchy, so that's a drag too. EVERYTHING HAPPENS TO ME!

Like, the other day I was robbing this house, and the TV was so heavy and nobody who lived in the house was home to help me carry it out (typical), and that sucked because i had really put in the effort the rob the house and i didn't even get the one thing that i actually wanted. It's hard. That's hard. But I'm pretty thick skinned.

I just wanted to check in, say "hey" and "i'm back" post something low-key and non-political.
I love you.
Love,
Jenny