Sir Thanks a Lot

Why am I shivering--nay--reverberating with excitement right now? Because at approximately 3 a.m., when my boyfriend comes home from work and hops in to bed with his soundly sleeping little angel, I am going to MAKE HIS NIGHT. How, ladies? With a little help from a remote-control electronic device.

And I'm talkin bout Sir Farts-a-Lot, a 4" plastic console that tucks under sheets and pillows, fits easily into trike baskets and tennis underwear, and makes one of 7 varied fart noises when you push a button on a tiny remote control FROM UP TO 50 FEET AWAY, AND THROUGH WALLS. Rest assured that all of the fart noises sound hyperrealistically like gas from a butt, especially when muffled. One of them sounds like a baritone goose orgasm, it's fucking awesome. Another sounds like a rotten pumpkin exploding. He is going to think I am making 40,000-hertz farts continuously for an hour and a half. I cannot WAIT to hide this fucker
in the car with my mom and dad
in a baby carriage
somewhere in the West Village Marc Jacobs store
in the bathroom at a dinner party
in the dining room at a dinner party
in the chicken at a dinner party
under a sleeping cat
in a hamster cage
in a potted plant
in the back of EVERY wienerscene during our February show...

PFFFT