Hickory Dickory Doc

Tomorrow, I take off for the holidays to see my handlebar-mustached dad, Dr. George Burch Fisher, Jr in Hickory, NC . The historic birthplace of the "That thing got a HEMI?" guy from the Dodge commercials. It also home to my neighbor, Congressman Cass Ballenger, who decorates his front lawn with the ever tasteful black lawn jockey. In preparation for my trip tomorrow, I read the local newspaper to see what the poop was on my hometown. The top four stories for Dec. 21 were as follows:

1) Newton Receives Grant for sewer project
Apparently the next town over has a doody of a sewer project plan for a new plant that makes hardwood shelving. That's good for two reasons: #1 No one wants to hang their prom dress on stanky and #2 No one wants to poop in the closet.

2) Background Checks for all coaches

They finally decided, after a few volunteer coaches threw up on the pre-school girls jumproap squad, to do background checks on anyone who signed up to coach a local city sport. It came as no surprise, though, that several of the coaches had prior criminal drug possession charges. Whoopsies.

3)College Put on Probation
Lenoir-Rhyne College was put on probation this week not because its a bad college but because and I quote, "The college needs to improve its library holdings, technology, finances and tracking of students found to have academic weakness." They also said that there was a small problem with the professors wielding machetes and occasionally killing shy students.

4) A "hobby" Christmas
This guy is the engineer on a itsy bitsy train that runs on 900 feet of tiny railroad. The reason why they did an article on him...is because at this time of year...he decorates the railroad in snow.

Anywho, I'm gonna fry me up a hedgehog and slide it under the woodpile for Santa. Happy Holidays, douchebags.