The Wiener Philharmonic

Where's Waldtwat?

2005-12-07T19:10:00.000-08:00

No, Waldtwat isn't German for "headache." It's German for the SECRET PERSON who is experimenting with image hosting and trying to figure out how to post photos from her camera on the blog. Ooops! I said "her"! Now you know it's a bitch, and not a homey.

Here goes.

DAMMIT! The image was too big to upload on a host! Now I have to find another application which will resize my images!

To be continued...

love,
Waldtwat

Have You Ever...

2005-11-30T10:02:00.000-08:00

wanted to grab onto the little rope that preschoolers on school trips hold on to so that they don't wander into traffic? Today, to avoid walking into a man carrying a lot of fruit, I ended up at the end of the preschooler line and it was all I could do to not grab onto the rope. I'd like to propose that the Wieners get our own rope so that we don't (and by "we" I mean Julia) stumble in front of the Hell's Angels motorcycle gang on our way to binge-drinking at the Cock.

love,
Lang

Trimspa baby

2005-10-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

The weather is changing. The cold wind is a'blowin. It's getting cozier inside. So, what does that mean? Bikini season is over and I can eat WHATEVER I WANT. Or at least I thought(three slices of pineapple and ham pizza for breakfast/ chips and salsa plus of pint of Chubby Hubby for dinner at 11:30 PM). Apparently, I have gained 7 pounds in 2 weeks. So, I have decided to go on a diet of TrimSpa and Cocaine. And also, TrimSpa has a million dollar competition if you get skinnier. So as long as none of you homos out there tell TrimSpa that in addition to their ephedrine-laced poison pills, I will also be doing lines of crystal off the back of Doc Holiday's toilet, then I have a good shot of winning a luxury sports car or a $50,000 shopping spree. Mmmm can't wait for my winter figure and a coma-inducing heart attack!!

My TicketMaster Time Machine

2005-08-22T06:29:00.000-07:00

you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys you guys.

TicketMaster has alerted me that Guster, Rusted Root, and Tracy Chapman are all playing in/around NYC this fall.

I just really had to tell you.

How am I not reduced to a fine powder???

2005-08-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

I've been keeping track of my expenses in a little faggy notebook, a journal financier if you will, in order to save money for upcoming trips to Chicago and possibly Portugal. It has been a highly revelatory project, even in its earliest stages:

7/28
$2 iced coffee
$2 iced coffee

7/29
$12 beer (bar)
$10 beer (six pack)

7/30
$1.25 hot coffee
$2 iced coffee
$23.13 IRS penalty
$10 beer (6 pack)

7/31
$28 groceries
$2 iced coffee

8/1
$1.25
$29 bottle Tanqueray

Again, I have to ask a question that I usually reserve for my birthday, "HOW AM I STILL ALIVE??" Should'nt I look a little less like this

and a little more like this?

Stop, My Beating Imagination!

2005-07-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

what is this pantsless man doing with this newborn tiger? Where did he GET the newborn tiger? Did he pee it? I'm so weirded out. And who's hairy knee is that, stage left? Hmm, this image is like the accidental Las Meninas of Google Image results. Only the refractions of visual networks and interlacing meaning come from two skinny perverts and a fancy cat, instead of the Spanish Royal Family. But still. I think I'm onto something, and I think it's called a toilet, 'cause I'm puking.

We Haven't Forgotten You, Wiener Blog!

2005-07-15T00:56:00.000-07:00

Oh Wieenie B. Listen. We haven't forgotten you. Like the wall next to a child's bed where he, OK, where she, alright where I, wiped all of my boogers growing up, you are a chronicle of the junk we had no place for, so we wiped it all on you. On your eager, beaming face. And in time, we will again.

Now that "Wish You Were Here," our June sketch show at Juvie Hall, has ended, we are gathering strength, like cicadas in the mud, silently watching our biceps grow and our brains throb, and getting some nice relaxing summer travel out of the way. So don't worry. When we emerge as beautiful butterflies in the fall, we will continue to wipe the residue of our useless brainfarts allllllll up on you.

Love,
Jules

Wha?

2005-06-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

John Fiedler, 80, Stage Actor and Film Voice of Pooh's Piglet, Dies

and

Paul Winchell, 82, TV Host and Film Voice of Pooh's Tigger, Dies

It's a sad day for Christopher Robin, huh?

I WILL have a Dannon Day! Thank you!

2005-06-27T10:39:00.000-07:00

My Dannon informs me, via the aluminum lid, that it contains vitamin B12, which helps maintain healthy nerve cells and red blood cells. You know what, Dannon? I think I had intuited that.

I've been eating you every day for the past few weeks and I've been feeling so robust, so virile, as if my bones were full of semen waiting to be ejaculated through my temples with the next incredibly creative and resourceful idea. Like Spiderman, I can point and shoot protein from my index finger into the faces of passing children. That's how strong I feel. Thank you, Dannon, for making me feel, well, like a sack of cum about to burst at the very seams!

Summer Cramp

2005-06-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with my 8 yr-old half sister, Corille, and she just told me how she ziplined into the lake at camp. I would like to remind everyone that this is the same sister who fell into my grandmother's open grave at my grandmother's funeral, while singing "Grandma Lila is Dead."

Anyway, I just got a little nostalgic, now that it's summertime, for my very own all-girl, uber-WASPy Camp Merrie-Woode. Camp Merrie-Woode, unlike other Camps, does not focus on the traditions of Native Americans. Its heritage surrounds the folklore of the King Arthur tale and the campers who've been to camp the most number of years are asked to participate in the coveted reenactment of the Round Table followed by the search for the Holy Grail. Picture tiny Jessica Simpsons dressed as knights.

I also miss the uniforms.

Camp Merrie Woode:

Parent Trap 1961:

Pretty much the same.

And the archery, I miss the archery.

Amazingly, Google search result for "debonair"

2005-06-15T08:11:00.000-07:00

Le Douche

2005-06-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

I just google image searched the word "douchebag" and our group photo pops up at the top of the list. Oops. They've found us out...

Sunny Came Home

2005-06-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

In case anyone wanted to know, the best way to really cap off an evening of mind-blowing karaoke is to sing "Sunny Came Home" by Shawn Colvin. Now, I have been told by many a person that my voice sounds something like a wailing baby seal.

Nothing, however, brings that out more than the saddest, whiniest song ever. The tough high notes are what really declare to the audience that Sunny is in trouble. Unfortunately though, I was unable to accurately portray the emotional range of this song as I tripped over most of the non-chorus lines and employed some haphazard dance moves to cover. But as I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to be singing, I looked into the audience for guidance.

To my surprise, there was a slew of serious looking punk rockers (piercings, mohawks, ripped tights, tattoos, tiny pants, etc), who knew all of the words and sang along...with feeling. And not only did they sing along to "Sunny Came Home," but they sang along to Celine Dion, show tunes, and other adult contemporary classics. Those pussies guided me until the last note and my douchey little heart was full.

Big Wiener Night

2005-06-10T09:09:00.000-07:00

After much careful hard work and preparation,

The Wieners are putting on a kickass show at Juvie Hall.

"Wish You Were Here!"
Every Thursday in June
Juvie Hall, 24 Bond St bw Bowery and Lafayette
$7

meow.

Hey stranger, pay for my pap!

2005-06-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

nothing delights me more than discovering that when I took a newspaper out of my knapsack at the bar yesterday, an invoice from my gynocologist which was next to it in my bag must have also fallen out. So if someone could just pay my $15 copay I'd really appreciate it, and if you could do it without reading the $400 worth of services that my insurance covered and explained in detail on the form, that'd also be great. thanks, drunk stranger!

A Birthday for a Clown?

2005-06-06T09:08:00.000-07:00

Today, 24 years ago, a baby with dark curly hair and chinese eyes emerged from her Finnish mother's womb.

The baby was promptly slapped on the buttocks with a piece of salmon and placed in a crib filled with stuffed animals whose names were their species with a "y" attached to the end (i.e. Liony, penguiny, beary, and stegosaurusy).

Julia Langbein has since grown into a beautiful young woman, who drinks like a blind old man. We love you Julia, because you own a fart machine and you cry whenever you see anything. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

If you'd like to watch my heart stop beating

2005-06-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

like a hummingbird strangled by an invisible fart, please deliver yourself promptly to 330 W 42nd Street, 14th Floor. Bring a time machine and binoculars so that you can watch from a distance without interfering as I drink 6 large iced coffees, one of them Marshmallow flavor, to eek the last beadlets of moisture out of the dehydrated whiskey-reeking fossil which is my body.

Also this just in: from now on, I will exclusively say "good bye" in the form of "ALOHA".

My pervy brain

2005-06-03T11:37:00.000-07:00

wont stop singing the same chorus over and over: "Who's that lady?" "Hey Foxy lady!" "Who's that lady?" "Hey foxy lady!" "Who's that lady?"

et cetera.

Well at least I don't have that song in my head about Gary Oldman getting a jerry curl...

Dear Lang's Mountain Man:

2005-06-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

I knew you were something special when I noticed that you were three times longer than all of Lang. When I noticed your hipbone was at my temple, I thought, "wow." But Mountain Man friend of Lang's, why didn't you tell me that your sleeves were stuffed with medical marijuana?

Hey Mountain Man, if you're looking for a hard court to play four square on, I recommend the scorched earth of my fucking brain.

Ain't to proud to wear a knapsack

2005-05-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

I bought a brand new black Jansport backpack today, because my HUGE one-shoulder trundle was taking an egregious toll on my posture.

Call me dorky, but if knapsacks are wrong, I don't wanna be right. I can't wait to swing it out in front of me and clutch it to my bosom when I need to get something out. That situation will not be too long at hand, I fear, as I have boiling vesuvian esophageal magma acid in my throat, and a pack of Rolaids in my bag.

HERE GOES!

First things first

2005-05-31T06:52:00.000-07:00

I know, I know: I have scenes to edit, people to call, contracts to process, messages to check, coffee to poop, etc., but it is IMPERATIVE that I read this entire effing article.

What hooked you so bad, Langbein? you ask. This subhed:

"Tasmanian devils may be headed for extinction in the wild because of a mysterious malady that has killed nearly half of these marsupials."

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I JUST REALIZED VIA THIS ARTICLE THAT
YOU ARE AN ACTUAL ANIMAL!
You can't disappear NOW!

PS You are infinitely cuter than your cartoon counterpart. AND WHO ELSE CAN YOU SAY THAT FOR???

No one. Except maybe Chip n Dale.

CT: Where the berries are plump and the cotton needs pickin'

2005-05-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends.

It's TIME!!! Time finally to put our stress in tiny ziploc bags in the freezer, store our aches and pains in wicker bins, and pack off to Woodbridge Connecticut, where hawks dump carrion into your lap as you sip your gin on the patio, deer beat you three times in a row at Spit, tawdry natives pull yuccas and baked hams out of dirt firepits, and Andre Agassi brings you oversized carp.

Ah, Woodbridge! As the Latin goes, "Vudbrigus sanctum rectum bonus est"!

Thursday Show at KGB Bar

2005-05-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

Wieners + Trophy Dad =

SO MUCH FUN!

Kraine Theater, KGB Bar, 85 East 4th Street, off 2nd Ave
Thursday, May 26, 10:30 p.m., $7

The Google Tables are Turned!

2005-05-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

So today, instead of Google-Image searching the usual "Poop Statue" or "Pancake Suit," I went meta and Googled "WIENER PHILHARMONIC!!!!" but without the puntos exclamador, obviously. And what did I discover?

THIS

pops up way before THIS

Which, if Google search return order is any ratifier of status, means that WE ARE THE NEW ACTUAL Wiener Philharmonic, beating out the original Vienna Symphony Orchestra. Sorry Guys! Have you tried "The Sausage Ensemble" or "Knockwurst Jammy Time"?

One thing, though: the actual VERY FIRST image returned when you Google "Wiener Philharmonic" is a funsize baby in someone's hands. Literally. Don't know how to interpret that.

-Hard at Work, Jules.

further proof that 'dawson's creek' was somehow written by uneductated, yet pretentious, robots

2005-05-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

andie to pacey, during a study session in her trophy-cluttered bedroom:
"you are what we, in studious circles, call 'up crapola creek without a paddle,' holding onto the tenth grade by a string, one 'cliff's note' away from--"
pacey, eyes wide:
"total and utter disaster. i know--"

dawson to jen, after she pukes all over her own hand:
"if you weren't so special, you wouldnt be so miserable."

I can't see anything

2005-05-23T13:44:00.000-07:00

I forgot my glasses today at work and...

OH MY GOD... do you know what I just noticed?? My settings got updated today and...by JEHOVAH! I CAN LINK!!!! LINK LINKITY LINK!

AWESOME! but what I really wanted to SAY was...

My eyes hurt.

Jenny Needs the Dollars

2005-05-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure about it, but I think I should maybe get a second job. When I was in fourth grade my parents bought me a desk on which to do my homework. On either side where two small drawers, "secret drawers", if you will. The drawers marked the inception of my independence, of my own personal handling of my finances and possessions. In one drawer I saved my money, and in the other I kept a secret stash of junior mints, unopened and waiting to be eaten in the space between my two twin beds. When Hanukkah rolled around, I checked my savings in one of the secret drawers and I think I had like 42 dollars. It was enough to buy gifts for my entire family...From Spencer's Gifts. Here is what the gift list may have looked like

Gifts
Mom: Key chain that says, "yeah, and I want a million bucks!"
Dad: Fart spray
Stacey: Bunny with the face of a baby
Abby: Glass filled with rubber pina colada in it

Lately, I've been thinking that with my current savings account, I'm in basically the same position: I can only afford things that shouldn't even be sold.

That's why I've decided to take this new job. I had my training yesterday and I think I'm going to love it! YAAAAAYYY!!!

Love,
Jenny

PS: the junior mints ended up tasting like wood.

Blogside Vigil

2005-05-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

Oh, Wiener Blog! All my white-knuckled prayers and hot, salty tears have paid off: You're back!

Get in there, little fighter.

further proof that dawson's creek was somehow written by uneducated, yet pretentious, robots

2005-05-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

dawson, explaining to joey that if she decides to stay at home with him, instead of running off to paris, their relationship will be 'scorching': "this is a simple structure that we, here in capeside, like to call 'le swingset.'"

watching dawson's creek can be a real challenge. we can all agree on that. thank god that there are commercials to break up the insanity. has anyone else seen ads for the new classic triple at wendy's yet? because, it's "the stack daddy, beefasaurus rex" with "three times the freshness."

best,
tv

No, no, I'm fine, Really!

2005-05-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but I have the strangest feeling right now!

Love,
Jenny

Man, I'm so reLAXED

2005-05-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

I live in a house of golden harp strings and I smile even when I'm screaming at a horror movie.

tinkle tinkle pluck. tinkle tinkle pluck.

Go AWAY from the pipe!

2005-05-17T12:47:00.000-07:00

Bagpipers always look like their heads are going to explode, WAY more than oboeists, who my mom told me when I was little, "all go nuts."

seriously, though. Get into piano. Or harp. Relax. Try the steel drums. Just relax your face, man.

Also, I will not let the sun of May 17, 2005 set without posting this, because, well, I don't think it's staged. Look at that kid's face.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Celebreality Is Humiliating

2005-05-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

While standing with my ex-roomate from college in downtown manhattan, I bumped into a person that I knew, not very well, and stopped to have a "hey" and "how are you". As I just said in the last sentence, I don't know this person, but I like them and, let's face it: i ALWAYS want to show the world and its people that, you guessed it, I'm very cool.

That's right, I'm cool, and I keep getting cooler and cooler. The only thing that might not convince this particular person of how, (dare i say it?), "chill" i am is that instead of saying goodbye, I did this.

JENNY: Cool. Well, see ya! (cue peace sign forming in jenny's hand). No, no, that's not a typo. I gave someone the peace sign today! BOOOO!!!! NOT A BACKWARDS PEACE SIGN, AND NOT AN IRONIC ONE. I SERIOUSLY GAVE THE PEACE SIGN AND WALKED AWAY.

Just a little less embarassing than the time in 7th grade when i walked around all day and took a latin exam with a pair of old yesterday's underwear sticking out of the bottom of my flannel lined jeans. Thank god they fell though! Thank god that they fell out in the middle of the class room, and thank the heavens even more that my mother had sewn a bright red name-tag that said "JENNY SARAH SLATE" on it. Thank god that that was sewn into the underpants, and furthermore, that the underpants were pale yellow zebra underpants, and that they were in the middle of the classroom floor.

Moral of this story? You can always double check your pant cuffs for last night or yesterday's underwear, but you can never predict when you wind up giving an important person the DOUCHIEST goodbye ever: the peace sign.

peace out!
love,
jenny

"KENNY CHESNEY, DON'T MISS: THE BEACH!"

2005-05-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

Ticketmaster's like, "DON'T MISS KENNY CHESNEY," and I'm like, "I think I WILL miss Kenny Chesney. Thank you."

Ticketmaster, have you tried selling Kenny Chesney some tickets to the beach? That seems promising.

heard at gabe's birthday party

2005-05-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

the best complaint about britney spears ever: "she is soooooo unfunky."

Pushin' til I'm Putin

2005-05-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today, I had a free health assessment as part of my gym membership. I have always been quite terrified of personal training sessions, due to my fear of being judged for my weak and flabby body. So, when asked whether or not I wanted a man or woman as my trainer, I squealed, "whatevs!" That's when the counterlady perused the appointment folder and then assigned me to Mikhail. I had no idea who Mikhail was, but was sure that he was going to turn me into a warrior like Tom Cruise. Being the doughy dumpling-cake that I am, I patiently skipped over to a tiny chair and waited for my personal life coach to appear. I decided to pass the time by watching a class taking place in the workout studio. It was kickboxing. Just as I peered in, the leathery, brutish, hard-bodied instructor did a jumping spinkick into a punching bag, which nearly ripped in two. Subsequently, after this impressive move, one of his pupils chirped, "Hey Mikhail, like this?" Point being is that I am made of pastry filling and my personal trainer was chiseled out of ice from a million years ago.

My health assessment started with a flab check, flexibility test, and weigh in. I failed all three and was punched in the anus. I did okay on sit-ups and cardio, but made a weak impression with my muscle strength test. He first put me on an arm machine, where I was literally only lifting 50 lbs. and was shaking violently enough for my hair to fall out of a ponytail (a side ponytail, heh heh). Then, he tested my leg strength with that machine where you sit upright and put your feet on a flat surface ahead of you and then push. I will call it the birthing machine, because when he put my weight setting at 210 lbs., I pushed so hard that I partially squeezed out my tampon. After putting my results into the computer, we chatted about ice hockey and he told me to go kill myself. I said thank you, licked his bicep, and made an appointment with him on Monday. My tummy says, "See you later suckers!!!!"

lots of love,
Michael Elliot Barry

re: GALA

2005-05-12T08:22:00.000-07:00

two days later, i respond:
YES! DEFINITELY!
let's theme it 'spring's got me sprung,' and encourage every male attendee to wear prosthetic boners tipped with morning glories. women may dress as they please, because we're not sexist.

WHOA looks like my chances are better than I thought...

2005-05-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

But honestly, what are my chances of dying and being resuscitated by retarded feral tigers

2005-05-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

and being reborn as this little girl:

Can We Have a BALL?

2005-05-10T07:52:00.000-07:00

Hey. Hi. Listen, not to be demanding, but I got the PRETTIEST dress for my sister's graduation from college this week.

But seriously, that got me thinking, let's have a Wiener GALA.

Yes, I know you're mulling it over very seriously, Michael Barry.

YAAAAY!

2005-05-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

WHOA! Gabe is getting older. You know what that means: time is slowly projecting him into the future.

Bring me back a moonrock, little angel.

It's gabe's b-day and guess what?

2005-05-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

My friendster profile has been viewed 69 times. That's right, on the eve of the day that my bestie was born, somebody took their 69th look at my friendster page. You know what that means? If you're friends with gabe then sexy shit just flies into your face. And when I say sexy shit, I mean porn mags, and when i say "porn mags", i mean "fancy bags", and when i say "fancy bags", i'm actually saying, "gabe, I wish i could get you what you want for your birthday: a fancy bag, but i'll just ask you to cut my hair again."

Happy birthday Gabe Liedman! You're a great guy, and I'll say THIS 69 times: The wieners are so glad you were born!

Love,
Jenny

Proud mom

2005-05-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

So I went to the gyno yesterday and they made me take a routine pregnancy test.

I tested positive-- FOR DEHYDRATION!

ZING!

No seriously folks, was that tinkle?-- or was it TANG???? OH MY GOD THOUGH SERIOUSLY NO CMON.

old man lichen

2005-05-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

"OK, ideally what I'd like in my eloborate, topiaried, ivy-garlanded, hyperromantic secret garden is a fountain of an old homeless pervert."
"I think we can manage that."
"Oh, and could he be holding--"
"A dead baby's head, a skull, and two saplings?"
"You read my mind!!!!"
[both laugh as blood pours out of their ears]

fin

Tit tock, tit tock: time to steal Jules' fucking ideas

2005-05-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm just saying. If all my pottery classes (continuously for 9 years) hadn't been when I was a child, I would have OBVIOUSLY made this first.

Another Lunchtime Swim

2005-05-03T12:06:00.000-07:00

In the toxic sludge which is the Crunch Gym 42nd street pool.

Loooooooove,
Jules
P.s. my hair is still sizzling 2 hours later.
P.p.s. I just farted a ray of light

Jenny is not Dead

2005-05-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Many of you many have noticed that I have been conspicuously absent from the blog, and probably the same number of readers feel a relief in not having to read about my diarreahs and neighbors that I expect might be dead. Maybe you even thought that I'M DEAD? Well, I'm alive and as it turns out: just barely. Guess what? I think my little sister may have tried to murder me on saturday.

"I've got a treat for you," She said over the phone.

Guess what it was? A "magic cookie". I feel like the police are watching my every move, so let's hope that you know what I mean on this one. She told me to eat only a quarter, explaining that her tall ex boyfriend had eaten a half and tripped for like 90 days.

"Whatever," I thought, "I've never eaten only PART of a cookie. Cookie's are for eating, and I'm gonna eat this cookie right now." Too bad I'm such a greedy fatty, because within 2 hours I was going crazy and embarassing myself. I sat for about 10 minutes in a bar with my good friends and then i announced that i was "going to the bathroom", where I barfed my cookie REALLY HARD and reapplied my lipgloss. When I stumbled out of the bathroom with a snotty, "what?" look on my face I realized three things:
1) When something similiar happened I pooped in that bathroom, but not the toilet and didn't even realize
2) I hadn't flushed the toilet and the crosshairs were broken on my barf gun...jenny made-y a messy!
3) The guys playing pool were like "freshman!", which just sucks because I'm DONE with college and I have a job and I'm a comedian...(cut to me hanging "invisi-thongs" at american apparel all saturday while I laugh at jokes that I tell myself about the invisi-thongs and who they will end up with)

It's cool though. I'm sure people at columbia think i'm really awesome. I'm ready for anything! There's no way that I could have done something so outrageous that people would remember, right? I love you guys so much.
love,
Jenny

BEST SITUATION Baked Ziti has ever been put in

2005-05-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

So jealous. [dull thump of tiny female boner hitting underside of balsa wood office desk]

YER NOT MY MOM!!!!!

2005-04-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

My literal Hororscope (get in there Gems) in the Village Voice / Free Will Astrology, for this week:

"A lot of antifreeze tastes sweet even though it's toxic. That's a big problem for dogs and children, who sometimes come upon spilled or open containers of antifreeze and drink it. New Mexico is one of the first places in the world to pass a law making it mandatory for antifreeze to be bitter-tasting, thus discouraging innocents from imbibing it. This should serve as a metaphor for you in the coming week, Gemini. Your inner child or inner pet may be drawn to ingesting experiences that are delectable but noxious. Have your inner adult take steps to ensure this won't happen."

I don't know what you're talking about.

Windows Snapshot

2005-04-29T10:34:00.000-07:00

THe following are currently open on my Desktop:

1. Cheese Recommendations (Word Document-- pasted cheeses recommended by a fromagier found online)
2. Google image search result: "bibbity bobbity cinderella disney"
3. Blogger: the Wiener Philharmonic
4. Google search: "revolutionary war" entertainer
5. Google image search: "caveman bone"
7. Dork Choir (Word document-- scene about polyphonic choir)

"Julia why does it always take you 6 hours to fill out a timesheet?"

You My Boo

2005-04-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

These are the lyrics to the Fairy Godmother's magical song in Cinderella. They make me laugh like a toddler all day. You know when toddlers laugh but they're intermittently skrieking like falcons with joy? That kind of laugh.

Fairy Godmother:

Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
It'll do magic believe it or not
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Salagadoola means mechicka booleroo
But the thingmabob that does the job is
bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

Salagadoola menchicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi-bobbidi-boo

AND POOF! I've turned into a giggling baby, pee pee down my Oshkoshes like so many zebra stripes.

NOT EVEN CLOSE. But totally perfect.

2005-04-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

No elvin t-bowls???

2005-04-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

I can't BELIEVE a google image search for Toilet Elf yielded nothing!!

But Confused Simba? Clearly.

I'm going to neeeeeed: nail clippers, flannel shirt, stuffed animatronic goat, quiver, awkwardness, own thoughts, mess kit

2005-04-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

Gabe! I'm so glad someone finally joined me!

2005-04-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

DADDDY I DON'T WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-26T12:24:00.000-07:00

DADDY YOU SMELL LIKE COCONUT OIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find this image really relaxing

2005-04-26T12:21:00.000-07:00

Then again, I don't ever move from this chair. If I relax any more, I may disintegrate.

jules works hard on the blog

2005-04-26T12:18:00.000-07:00

and i have proof.

best,
gabe liedman

DID SOMEONE SAY.....

2005-04-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

L I M O ? !

Keep Guarding Your Weird False Cognates

2005-04-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

From The Guardian UK today:

"Young and Old Make History at the Proms!"
Arts: This year will see the Proms debuts of Ravi Shankar, Placido Domingo and some 11-year-old children.

Literally. Were they all in one limo?

should I pin the corsage to your chinmuff?

My Last Appointment with Dayo

2005-04-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

And the transformation will be complete

Great quotes, and stupid images

2005-04-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

I realize that today has been very text-heavy, and that's just tiresome.

And yet, I've been cruising the internet picking up random quotes, and I want to post them. So I will mitigate the textiness with images. OK ready?

"I'll moider da bum."
- Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake."
- Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

"Facts are the enemy of truth."
- Don Quixote - "Man of La Mancha"

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."
- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
- Niels Bohr (1885-1962)

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."
- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

You've GOT to be kidding me

2005-04-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

Also this, salvaged from the sunken treasure boat S.S.Re-Re

2005-04-25T12:50:00.000-07:00

This is going on in my office fridge right now, only I cant hear it because of the proximity of my office to the men's room, whose every flush sounds like an F-15 tearing through my cochlea.

Bon Apetit.

salmon: oh, hi pork chop.

Pork Chop: hey salmon. how are you?

Salmon: pretty good. I'm just getting over some midatlantic mercury
poisoning, but I feel great.

Pork Chop: Oh really? yeah, you are so pink. Now I know where the expression "salmon shaft" comes from.

Salmon: hahahahaha.

Pork Chop: HA! hoooooooo thats funny.

Salmon: hahaha.

Pork Chop: great stuff. great. stuff.

Salmon: So you got plans later?

Pork Chop: yeah I'm getting devoured in Fort Greene tonight.

Salmon: that's funny, so am I.

Pork Chop: really? thats insane.

Salmon: Julia Langbein's house?

Pork Chop: yeah. thats crazy. She said she was going to coat me in pecans and fry me in butter.

Salmon: no way! she said the same thing to me!

Pork Chop: that fucking bitch.

Salmon: she cant be doing BOTH of us, can she?

Pork Chops: Come on now. she's a crazy pig. but I don think she's that crazy. Plus she's very poor, like a Chinaman. why such a feast of kings? two entrees?

Salmon: dammit. get me out of this fridge. I feel very uncomfortable the way people in the office keep opening the fridge and staring at me questioningly as I sit here in my stanky rawness next to a tin of Tasters Choice.

Pork Chop: hey-- and a pork chop.

Salmon: awkward all around. I hope julia doesn't follow through on her weird fantasy of covering her face in a huge raw salmon filet as she types meaninglessly at her desk, or of wearing me as a brooch on her periwinkle Anne Taylor twinset.

Pork Chop: I don't think you have to worry, Salmon. Like I said, she's very poor, like a Croate. Listen, if I know Langbein, and I only met her about 30 minutes ago when she lifted me from a leatherfaced old woman's shopping cart, I know she's probably going to cure you and eat you later, and I'm getting the pecan roasted treatment.

Pecan: hey guys!

Salmon and Pork Chop: Hi Pecan! What's up?

Pecan: nothin. I'm on my way out.

Salmon: word? why? is it cause of my stink? I am sorry.

Pecan: No, I think Julia decided not to use me. I think she's going to do a mustard-rosemary rub instead.

Pork Chop: God, that old fallback?

Tasters Choice: will you guys shut up?

Pork Chop: Why dont you Tasters Choose to Fuck yourself.

Tasters Choice: fatty assholes.

Salmon: rim job.

Pecan: hey hey! stop it, guys.

Salmon: whatever. I'm just in a bad mood. it's the heat. and the being dead. Listen, Pork Chop, you go, and you do it, and you give it your all. You're obviously the man for the job. I wish it could be me, but it's you.

Pork Chop: I appreciate that Salmon. I'm gonna do this dinner and I'm gonna think of you as I do.

Tasters Choice: you guys are gay.

Pork Chop: there is a picture of a woman sniffing a volcano of diarrhea your label. why dont you shut it.

Taster's Choice: Gaybov.

Salmon: Whatever, Turd Magma, no one's ever even tasted you and youve been here since 1998. You're just bitter, like always.

Pork Chop: nice, salmon.

Pecan: hey! can we all just do a group hug?

All: OK, alright (groaning agreement, apologies)

[no one moves]

A Trip Down Bloggery Lane

2005-04-25T12:42:00.000-07:00

Over a year ago, I had this blog where I intended on posting Microsoft Paint pictures that I drew. They looked like "outsider" ("mental inpatient") art and so I named this blog "Scrawl of a Re-Re." However I never figured out how to post these aforementioned scrawls, so I just posted weird writings and, needless to say, the project deflated with the unheeded whistle of a midnight fart.

I was moved to check the Scrawl today (aka I was bored to tears and had bruised every online media source with my impossibly frequent hits) and salvaged some little things, including this poem:

I don't know what I'm doing
and I dont know what it means.
Am I doing it all solo
Or doing it in teams?

Am I reading all the letters
am I seeing all the signs?
am I thinking with my feet?
am I walking with my mind?

It makes no sense at all
not a little or a lot
It hasnt in the grownup world
it didnt as a tot.

The only thing I know about
this big civil safari
is I love to drink and sleep and
eat fresh broiled calamari.

"Jules," you ask, "what's up?
What's this?" Its not even that funny!
Well fuck you Curly, you try it
when theres bourbon in your tummy

And its noon, you're starved, you're
reeling, you're on PCP and meth
you've got bruises, scars, you're cross-eyed,
you've got crazy penis breath,

you're dressed like such a floozy that
the blind cant help but stare.
your tits are out so far, a
pigeon's started nesting there.

You don't have all the answers
and you dont have even one.
You're not a dead babboon
but you're also not that fun

when you're trashed at nearing noon
and you're shameful and ill-suited
to this lifestyle which can't handle that you
just passed out and booted

on your office fan which sent it flying
like a chowder pot exploded.
Forget it, guys, I'm tired.
So whats up guys? lets get loaded.

MSN: So Fucking Idiotic I Finally Had to Say Something

2005-04-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

Every day, when I check my Hotmail account, I have to go through this page that's like, "TODAY ON MSN: CAN CATS FEEL PAIN?" OR ": BEST SOLUTIONS FOR BRITTLE HAIR" or like, whatever some random algorythmic program puts together from words within a Nexis search parameter of Redbook Magazine, American Dolls, Trivial Pursuit: Bodily Functions Edition, and Science News for Kids. I always sort of shake my head and go, "That's the opposite of important every day. Every day you hit the hammer on the head of total shutup."

BUT TODAY, I finally had to say something.

TODAY ON MSN: WHAT ARE CELEBRITIES' FAVORITE THINGS?

I don't know. what AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE celebrities favorite things? Did they tell you? Did ALL of them tell you? Do celebrities HAVE favorite things? Does Steven Tyler have a Sno-globe that is his favorite thing? When you asked, did Susan Sarandon nod and hold up a tiny iron horse? You know? or is it more like, "equality," or "waking up next to Catherine Zeta-Jones every day."

So what I mean is, I am finally going to click on TODAY ON MSN, because, you know what? You win.

Sean Penn's favorite thing? I don't know. But damned if I'm not finding out.

[Insert South Beach/Atkins/Carb Joke Here]

2005-04-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

But also, insert your penis, it'll be SOOOO funny. C'mon I dare you.

Bake Me Up, Before You Go Go

2005-04-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

PLLLLEAAAASE GOD, may this weekend be sunny.

I know you think I'm LESBIAN

2005-04-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

OK? I know you think that. Especially when you went to highschool with me when I looked like Jack Black and was a lacrosse goalie. Well, confirm your inaccurate suspicions with THIS:

I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE ABOUT WILD HORSES I SAW ON PBS.

Honestly? It is SO touching. I told Lang and Emily Anderson about it for about 12 consecutive hours at a bar the other day, where I mimicked Cloud, the white wild stallion, taking his first wobbly steps as a foal, and I accidentally reverse-humped an old pervert man's face. Not a big deal. But seriously, ORDER THIS from PBS or try and find when it's airing next. It is amazing. OR track me down and have me narrate the whole thing.

This is Cloud fighting with a stallion named Raven. He wants one of Raven's mares. It's a long story.

This movie's content is like, half baby animals and half horse penis. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.

A Very Tough Cake to Take

2005-04-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

And yet, this takes it.

My favorite Overheard In New York post:

A hobo is sitting on a bench next to a woman.

Hobo: Don't touch my butt, lady. I'm a virgin.
Woman: Oh, please.
Hobo: Get over it.

dawson's creek was somehow written by uneducated--yet pretentious--robots

2005-04-20T08:24:00.000-07:00

quoth joey, re: her college roommate saying that boys suck:

"since i'm your roommate, i'm legally required to be here for you. so, pray tell, in what way does this male suckage occur?"

thanks jon friedman

2005-04-20T08:21:00.000-07:00

for giving me so many dreams about mirror hats

now that im on the south beach diet

2005-04-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

i don't have to kick anymore!

mmmmmphphmmmmmphmmiloveyou

2005-04-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

i love you so so much

the internet exists?

2005-04-20T08:04:00.000-07:00

last night i attended a hilarious show at PS122 with several of my wiener/non-wiener friends, and it reminded me: the internet exists. amazing! it's hard to remember that, now that i'm no longer tethered to a desk chair all day with 0% stimulation from work and 100% fury from life.

the show was a reading by several terrif bloggers--most notably jon friedman and michelle collins, who wowed their audience with tales of terrible work situations. i couldn't relate at all, but it was nice to see that there are still people out there who work. for money. almost everyday.

so now, in front of the entire world, i'd like to make a solemn promise to the internet to give it more attention--because i love it, and it loves me.

love,
the ugly new pope

JFTBWSEFTBTT

2005-04-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

aka, Jules Finds the Best Website Ever, For the Butt-teenth Time.

acronymfinder.com

I found it cause MC Hairy Barrel aka Mike Barry called because at the DZ Discovery Zone/ Ice Cream Cake Toy Factory / Rockettes rehearsal where Mike works they were doing some fun pranks involving acronyms, like they have to write them down on a post it and then someone else tickles you until you poop and then everybody laughs and kisses or something, and in short, I was all "PAP SMEAR" and he was all, "no I don't want to get fired" and I was all "Tic Tac" and he was all "that's not an acronym" and I'm all "POOP" and he's all "no, not a made-up acronym." So paint me confused, and paint it in ephedra, cause at this point I'm totally exhausted.

This Itsy-bitsy Candy Totally Accentuates Cunnilingus!!!

jk.

But back to acronyms. I plugged "PAP SMEAR" into acronym finder and it turns out that aside from the 35 preposterous groups/places/things whose acronym is "PAP", PAP is not one of them. "PAP" is short for George Papanicolaou, the guy who invented it.

GEORGE PAPANICOLAOU. Next time I go to the gyno I'm going to be proper and say "I'm here for my Papanicolaou Smear." And I hope you can fathom how intensely I am pronouncing the final AOUUU syllable.

No seriously guys

2005-04-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

Usually I click on google image photos because they are funny or weird. This one? Just looked pret-ty fucking awesome.

Congrats, you're brill.

Dachs Dream Dashed!

2005-04-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

I was walking up 9th ave as I do every weekday afternoon, when I passed a woman walking a dachshund.

Well I think we all know how much I have been fantasizing about getting a liddow dachs of my own, naming him Wedgie, Wiener, Toots, Peanut, Tum Tum, or Shaft, and making my life thereby complete.

HOWEVER. This woman was holding TWO leashes: one around his neck, and the other attached to a sort of BRACE, which wrapped around his stomach and, when she lifted it, kept his long, gloriously wiener-like belly from dragging the ground.

I just don't want to do that. Ideally, I'd like my dog's spine to suffice as torso support. OH REGAL DACHSHUND!!!! If only your body were gravitationally viable!!!!
I would make you mine.

Tom & Jerry

2005-04-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Further proof that Jerry is SUCH A PRICK. Tom: put some poison behind the fridge, crack a Corona and call it a night, you know?

Fatty Times at Midnight High

2005-04-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

Last night, pretty late, and pretty retarded, Mike Barry noticed a pot of Nutella on the spice rack.

"Can we make something with this?" he asked innocently.

Keep in mind that this is AFTER I ripped his taste buds apart with my delicious aged goat gouda dipped in crazy gourmet herby mustard.

"Sure," I said, toasted some white bread, spread Nutella on it, and poured heavy cream into a bowl for us to dip the sammy in.

We basically couldn't believe how fucking amazing it was. Every bite was like a new reason to be alive. So creamy, and crunchy, just the right amount of saltiness to the bread...goddddam

THEN, Matty Delicious gets a bite of the tail end of our sammy, and decides he wants in. But obvies, he DELICIFIES it times ten: melts about a POUND of butter in the pan, and pan fries the hot white bread, slathers it in the remaining BASICALLY ENTIRE bottle of Nutella, and soaks it in cream.

Needless to say, I woke up with an army boot in my lower intestines this morning. But I am a changed man. You heard me: man. I woke up this morning with a tiny hazelnut dick and I'm ready to take over the world.

Camel girl

2005-04-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

continuing on my subliminal theme of camels today, I'd like to add how much, despite having not smoked a cigarette now for 3 months, I still LOVE love love the women in the Camel ads.

Those cartoony, 50's style ones in different exotic outfits that connote the flavor of the cigarette.

Genitalface Joe I could clearly take or leave.

Convo

2005-04-14T11:42:00.000-07:00

(both in REALLY throaty, slow voices:)
"Hey, what's up?"
"Nothing. What's up with you?"
"Nothing. [pause] Cool."

Vans

2005-04-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

Julia: How am I going to get from the airport in Syracuse to your school in Hamilton for graduation?
Anne: They have vans.
Julia: Oh, like the school has vans, for people coming in for graduation?
Anne: No, they just, like, have vans.
Julia: You mean like an airport shuttle? Like I can call a shuttle?
Anne: No, no, I mean like vans that go all over.
Julia: ... A city bus? THE BUS?
Anne: Yeah, vans.

You know? Like a van?

86-millionth most important philanthropic institution in the COUNTRY threatened!

2005-04-12T13:10:00.000-07:00

That's right, fraternities and sororities, renowned pillars of charity and selflessness, are being threatened at Colgate!

http://www.cnn.com/2005/EDUCATION/04/12/colgate.greeks.ap/index.html

But HOW WILL THE STUDENTS DRINK WITHOUT BEING DIVIDED INTO TEAMS AND THEN GIVEN INITIALS IN AN ANCIENT LANGUAGE??? NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I'll jump into your gin and tonic. C'mon, you know you need me. I'll make that shit so tart.

2005-04-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

A day to celebrate (me)

2005-04-12T06:39:00.000-07:00

Hello, friends.

I just wanted to alert you that today is my "nimipaiva" as we say in Finland, a.k.a. my name day. So if you know any Julias, or any names similarly derived (Jules, Julita, Julie), give them a cupcake, chaps, whiskey, or just a big ol' kiss. Go drive down to the mall, stop in at Orange Julius, and buy yourself a super size acid diahrrea bomb. Listen to Julio Iglesias, and then cook a classic J. Childs pot roast. Giggle affectionately as you watch Juliette Lewis ply her trade in "Natural Born Killers," and pull your tattered copy of "Mary Reilly" out of the bin marked "J" for "Jesus, those Juleses are so capable, I wish they had a day just for them."

People for whom there is no day include Djaimon Hounsou

Buffy Thevampireslayer

Apple Martin

Audio Science Sossamon (yes, Shannon Sossamon literally named her baby that, look it up)

and Loulie Fisher

to find your name day, go to
http://www.behindthename.com/namedays/

and don't forget to messenger me tacos and stuff. love you guys.
JULIA

Oh no no no no no no no no nooooooooooooo

2005-04-11T13:49:00.000-07:00

gabe liedman newsletter

2005-04-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

bugles and coronets blaring "groove is in the heart" announce:

GABE LIEDMAN IS BACK.

"from where? where has he been since March 25th, 2005?"--team of scientists.

"do the math. 3-25-2005= -2027"--straightforward mathematicians

let's just say that gabe's been somewhere that no one--NAY--nothing has ever been before: the year -2027. and apparently, it. was. weird.

"weirder than space, even weirder than submarines."--Gabe L.

"it didn't take long to get there, it's sunny, new memories don't get made, and you come back totally debt free, in the best shape of your life."--G. E. Liedman

"it's good to be back, though. that much is the truth. so is everything else i've said."--Gabe Liedman

best,
Third Party

The Proof is in the Peeling

2005-04-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

There is no more Ozone layer. I remember when people were using a lot of hairspray in the 80's and the Ozone started to wear away. And then we all started putting on the breaks and things slowed down. I stopped eating Freon for lunch and my family's annual broken-refridgerator-lighting festival had to be curtailed.

But unfortunately those efforts were fruitless. From about an hour and a half in EARLY APRIL sunshine yesterday, my face looks like that of a drunken medieval peasant, taut, bright red and swollen, and I have a photographic negative of a sportsbra imprinted on my red torso. fine. but IN APRIL?????

WATCH OUT EASTER BUNNY. TEN SECONDS WITHOUT YOUR PARASOL AND YOU'RE FUCKED! HEY GROUNDHOG! GET BACK UNDERGROUND! GROUNDHOG NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The Golden Doodie

2005-04-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

The dinner I ate last night was so luxe and costly that even with SEVERE depreciation factored in, I am sure that my doodienibs are worth at least a 'Zander Hammy if not a Jackson.

TOOT!

That's right, Jules had a 4-1/2 hour, 11-course tasting menu at Cafe Boulud that made me think, "Hershey's TasteTations are a vulgar exaggeration! This is a true TasteTation!"

and THIS is a crustacean.

I'm just trying to dot my pees and cross my cues, OK?

Diary entry # 307

2005-04-07T07:53:00.000-07:00

Recipe For Love

1 young lass
1 lb spagetti

1 hankercheif
2 oz of chloride

apply, wait 10 minutes, drive home, prepare meal, re-enact scenes from "disney movieshttp://www.cyberelk.net/sue/gallery/albums/bank/aau.jpg".

Fair Morn, Goodie Langbein!

2005-04-07T06:58:00.000-07:00

My brother, Chris, will enroll at UVA next fall for a joint MBA/JD thingy. Too many acronyms flying around for me to even piece together what that means; except one thing is VERY clear to me.

See you in 5, Colonial Williamsburg.

Lang Fisher, you are a GODDESS

2005-04-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

My morning has been ROCKED, rolled, cuddled, spanked, made to weep, feel naughty, and kick so much ass due to one Lang Fisher's ridiculously awesome "Jules and Chloe Mix Volume 3."

Lang Fisher, you are magical.

Walking out the door to the Bangles "Hazy Shade of Winter" was one thing. Air drumming to Franz Ferdinand on the subway was liberating. Air-grinding to the RANDY "dontcha" song down 42nd Street was so fun, punching the air AT my desk to HEART was absurd, and now weeping as I type, WEEPING to the love song from "From Justin to Kelly," well, that's actually pretty normal for me. BEST. MORNING. EVER, FISHER!

P.S.Still my favorite album ever.

Rocco???? Is that you?

2005-04-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

Senior year of high school, I had this adviser named Rocco who was awesome, he'd gone to my highschool in the 80's, been a statewide football legend, and then never left. He started every morning with a little bit of this

and a little bit of that

and a box of Dunk 'n Donuts for his beloved advisees. Well, "beloved"-- when I came back from my year abroad in France and he asked me how England was, I didn't take it personal. We didn't have a lot to talk about, between my not being an male and his being dead in the brain like a dead person.

But there is a 6% chance I saw him on the corner of 45th and 9th. Ten years ago I'd say it was a 90% chance, but they cleaned out all the hookers. Unless, did he parlay his altheticism into broadway talent? IS THAT WHAT HE'S DOING IN THE THEATER DISTRICT?????

Who's the drama nerd NOW, big guy?

oh, it's still me? I thought so.

FINE. I'll tell you what song is in my head.

2005-04-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

"It's All About Soul," by Billy Joel. And though my face may be still and my body near-dead, I'll have you know I am not just humming it inside my head; I am rocking out.

ughhhhhh. I'm so exhausted by this song.

Prescription for Dirt?

2005-04-06T14:29:00.000-07:00

How come my glasses are COVERED in grease and dirt (I was wearing them perched atop my dred locks) I STILL see better through them than not? Is grease the prism my vision needs to pierce in order to function properly?

Let's face the music here, assholes, it's time for me to get a Dachshund

2005-04-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

I've always been one of those people that "doesn't like sweets," "won't get a perm," and "owns no plaid," and accordingly I've always been a "big-dog person"-- you know, like Mastiffs and Rotties and stuff? And obvies I still believe that shi-tzus and little fru fru things are naturally pathetic and ragged-looking and always have crusty butts/eyes and I would sooner carry a turd in a party hat like an ice cream cone than I would put one in a burberry carryall, but Dachs are not like that. Dachs are awesome.

Paint my case rested. I love you little Wien. Maybe he could be our mascot?

A Walk Down Fatty Lane

2005-04-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

Honestly? I was selfish and self absorbed and not surfing the web like a good truant, and I forgot to visit our old friend Fattywho, and then I did, and I pooped a little golden egg because it made me happy in my butt. Love the Fatty.

www.fattywho.blogspot.com

There are also many many pics involving wieners AND fatties at www.heyjb.com (under "random pics from 267")

an actual fatty wiener

A poem called "Priorities," by Jules Langbein

2005-04-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

I got no cash and I got no ride,
I lost my Secret Ultra so
I smell like low tide.

But all that junk, it just
doesn't come near.
To the fact that I just pulled
A Frito Lay out my ear.

Frito Lay, my little Frito Lay,
have you been there all my life?
Or did you just get there today?

Are you why I'm deaf?
Have you messed with my brain?
Are you why I always pee a little
when it's about to rain?

I admit I was surprised
when for the thousandth time
I put my finger in my head
to give my cochlea a shine

and instead of acrid nothingness
what'd I find on my huge nail?
a little newborn midget Frito
trembling like a fat man's scale.

Frito Lay, my little Frito Lay,
Where's your tiny gun, cabron,
we're going Carlito's way,

gonna rob all the banks--
you man the wheel.
Now I've got a buddy (thanks!)
to help me cheat and steal.

PEACE OUT, WORLD,
I'm not alone any more
When you got an ear like me
we don't need your stinky stores!

We don't need your judgment!
We don't need your sluts!
We're CHAMPIONS! Whoo hoo!
What's this? A Cheeto in my butt?

I have read this 35 times and have no idea how this experiment worked.

2005-04-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

"Child Development: Could I Have a Definition, Please?"
By NICHOLAS BAKALAR

Published: April 5, 2005, New York Times Science Section

Talking to babies in their own language - baby talk - may help them learn new words faster.

A group of researchers led by Dr. Erik D. Thiessen, an assistant professor of psychology at Carnegie Mellon University, tested 40 8-month-old infants. The babies were played tapes of two sets of four-word nonsense sentences, one spoken in ordinary adult conversational tones, the other in the pitch and rhythm of baby talk.

For a few minutes, the babies listened to the sentence. Then a single word was repeated while a light flashed on one side of the room. As long as the infant looked at the light, the word continued to repeat. When the baby looked away, the recording stopped.

Dr. Thiessen says earlier studies have shown that infants consistently focus longer on the light when they hear a word they know. By timing the infant's gaze, the researchers showed that they learned words more efficiently when trained with baby talk than with adult speech. The study appears in the March issue of Infancy.

Discussing his findings, Dr. Thiessen said, "This way of talking, which we all have an urge to do, is actually beneficial for babies."

But he warns against adopting any particular method to help a baby's linguistic development. "Babies can learn from a wide variety of speech, not just baby talk," Dr. Thiessen said. "It's more important to interact through language in natural ways than to try to use some specific technique you think will make your baby grow up smarter."

Whatever, Zizmor, you make no sense.